


Shake The Static

by Recourse



Series: Shades of Shame [4]
Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Infidelity, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 03:06:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14583591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recourse/pseuds/Recourse
Summary: Kate and Victoria's affair comes crashing down at long last.





	Shake The Static

Chris finds out what happened while he’s far from home.

He’s returning to his hotel room, rubbing his tired eyes, back aching from what felt like an endless afternoon of sitting in chairs and debating financial minutiae. He takes off his shoes and socks, kneading the carpet with his toes, remembering advice from an old movie, as though it’ll make him feel closer to something real.

Just as he’s laying his phone on the nightstand, it starts to ring. An unknown number. He stares at it, willing it to go away. It keeps ringing. He ignores it, starting to unbutton his shirt, until it shuts off and immediately rings again. The same number.

He feels a nervous chill strike his heart, and then silences it. No point panicking until he knows what’s going on. When he answers the phone, he hears an unfamiliar female voice.

“Hello, sir, I’m calling from Billings Hospital. Am I speaking to a Mr. Christopher Abbot?”

Chris tightens his grip around the phone. He keeps his words steady. “Speaking. What’s this about?”

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. Your wife, Kate, has just been admitted here.”

“What? What happened?” Chris can feel his wrists tensing, his heartrate jumping.

“The police were called for a wellness check, and your wife didn’t answer the door. She was found with a nearly empty bottle of—”

“Restoril,” Chris breathes. “She got them prescribed just before I left.” He’s numb. It’s finally happened. It feels like it’s been coming for years.

“We can’t be sure if she’ll recover, Mr. Abbot, but she’s not conscious yet. You’re listed as her emergency contact.”

A thought strikes Chris, and he freezes. “What about Connor?”

“Excuse me?”

“Where’s my _son?_ ”

“No one else was at the house when the police arrived. Where are you? Should he be reported missing?”

Chris’s mind races a mile a minute. “I’m in Minneapolis. She _waited,_ she waited until I was gone, I…” He swallows. “She probably left him with her sister. Before she did it. I need to call her but — wait, who called in the wellness check?”

“The police said it was anonymous, but they knew her address and suspected she was about to attempt. I’m so sorry, sir. If it’s any consolation, only two percent of attempts like this succeed, and she’s likely to make a full recovery.”

Chris’s mind races, but he can’t focus on any particular part right now, it’s all starting to build in his head to an unmanageable volume.

“Was...was there a note? Anything?”

“Her computer was left open, but nothing else. If you need a counseling hotline—”

“I need to find out where my son is. Please, excuse me.”

“Goodbye, Chris. And good luck.”

Chris lets the phone drop to his side, breathing hard. Not time yet, he has to call. He scrolls through his contacts page, sweating fingers slipping on the touchscreen. When Lynn answers, her voice is so light and cheerful it makes him sick.

“Hey, Chris! What’re you calling about? Aren’t you busy out there?”

“Is Connor with you?”

“Well...yes, of course he is. Kate dropped him off not too long ago, she said she was meeting with a friend. We love having him here, don’t—”

“She tried to kill herself!” Chris shouts, then steels himself, trying to control the shaking of his leg, the pounding his foot is giving to the carpet.

“Oh my God,” Lynn whispers. “Not again. Chris, I—I’m so sorry, I didn’t...I didn’t think…”

“It’s, it’s not your fault, I’m sorry I yelled, just…” Chris swallows, tears stinging at his eyes. “She’s in the hospital. They told me she wasn’t conscious yet. Who was she supposed to be seeing?”

“She didn’t say. Just that they’d suddenly told her they were in town. God, Chris…” Lynn sniffs. “God, what do we tell Connor?”

“I...I don’t know. I’m getting a flight home tonight. I don’t care how much it costs. But he’ll have to stay the night with you.”

“Of course. Anything I can do to help. Oh, Katie.” Lynn sniffs, and lets out a small sob. “I thought...I thought this was behind us.”

“I didn’t,” Chris admits, “But I’d...I’d hoped. Tell Connor that Mommy is very sick, and she can’t see him right now, but she loves him very much. And I do too. And I’ll see him as soon as I can.”

“Okay. Okay.” He can hear the lump in her throat. “Be safe tonight, okay, Chris?”

“I will. God keep you, Lynn.”

“And you."

 

* * *

 

He steps out of the cab, looking at his empty house. When he gets to the door, he finds it unlocked. Sloppy police work. How chilling to think that about his own home.

There’s not much to see, inside. Nothing’s changed since he left, except there’s no little boy running to greet him at the door, his ghost of a mother following behind him and offering her obligatory smile. Silence is all that waits for him here, as he passes through the living room, past the kitchen, into the bedroom. He has to see for himself.

He supposes that he expected something different. A bottle lying on the floor, damage done somewhere. But while the bottle’s not capped, it’s standing upright, and there’s no sign of her at all in here. It’s when he heads back out to the bedroom and sees her imprint in the covers, her side of the bed, neatly made, that he sees what she’d done. She had simply laid down to die.

It’s that thought that makes him collapse, turning around and falling onto the edge of the bed, cradling his head in his hands. It’s been so bad for so many years, but always in silent ways, small doses of poison building up over a marriage. It had been the worst right after Connor’s birth, but they’d settled into a routine. Kate’s quiet was a part of her, carried around with her everywhere she went.

She tried. He could always see her trying. But he also saw her getting up in the middle of night. Lying beside him with her eyes open, staring at the ceiling. Freezing when he kissed her, or held her, or did anything to try and show her how much he loved her.

He lets himself cry for these long years of play-acting, bunching up the covers tight in one fist. He hasn’t had the time until now, or the space. Now it all feels empty and hollow, ready to be filled with grief.

He smears his face, dirties his already-rumpled clothes with tears and snot. Every part of him aches, and all he wants is to lay down beside his wife and get the sleep he’s denied himself for the past thirty-six hours.

But as the pain throbs steadily into dull discomfort, there’s still one thing circling around on the inside of his skull. The caller. Who could’ve known what was happening, if Chris and Lynn didn’t? Kate has some friends, co-workers she gets along with who invite her out sometimes, but none close enough to call during a moment like that. At least, not to Chris’s knowledge.

Her computer.

Chris had always known the temptation to check what she did on there; see how she was doing, if he could find some way inside the mind that closed itself to him so long ago. He wishes she would talk to him, still. Like she once did.

When they met in college, it felt like she told him everything. They had been so close, once. Before they’d started dating, when they were just study partners, it had felt so real. Chris has longed to recapture that for years. He often wonders why she said yes.

He gets up, wipes his face with a tissue from the nightstand, and heads into the office. Her laptop is open on the desk. When he shakes the mouse, it comes to life. No lock, this time. Kate’s always so fastidious before. It must’ve come quickly to her, the thought to end her life right then.

Chrome is open to a Messenger tab. Victoria Chase. Chris’s eyes immediately flit to the final message.

**Kate Abbot:** **  
**

_I love you._

Chris’s blood freezes in his veins. He’s not processing that. Not until he scrolls up, to the start of yesterday’s conversation.

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_Hey, it’s been a while._

_I’m in town, if you want to meet up._

**Kate Abbot:**

_Don’t think about me anymore._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_What?_ _  
_

**Kate Abbot:** **  
**

_I’m already not living my own life. I can’t keep yours on hold any longer._

_I didn’t expect you to come back so soon._

_I’m sorry._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_For what? What’s going on, Kate?_

**Kate Abbot:** **  
**

_I’ve been planning this for a month._

_Everything’s in place already._

**Victoria Chase:**

_You’re really freaking me out Kate_

_Please tell me you’re okay_

**Kate Abbot:** **  
**

_I will be soon._

_Goodbye, Victoria._

**Victoria Chase:**

_Kate please talk to me_

_Kate_

_KATE_

**Kate Abbot:** **  
**

_I love you._

Chris feels tears stinging at his eyes, but he has to know more. Who this person is. What happened.

He scrolls up, all the way up, looking for the start. There’s so much of this. The logs stretch back five years. He blinds himself to it until he finds the first message.

**Kate Abbot:**

_Hey._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_So that’s what you’re starting with._

_Honestly, I’m surprised you contacted me so soon. I thought it’d at least be another month._

**Kate Abbot:**

_I don’t know what I’m doing._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_That’s obvious._

_Why did you message me, Kate?_

**Kate Abbot:**

_I’m sorry about the way I left things._

_I always end up lashing out at you, and you don’t deserve it. I’m the one in the wrong._

_I guess I just don’t want you to disappear._

**Victoria Chase:**

_Jesus, you sent that at four in the morning._

_You seriously need to talk to someone._

**Kate Abbot:**

_Can’t I talk to you?_

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_I mean a therapist._

**Kate Abbot:**

_I can’t say this out loud._

_If I do, then it’s real._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_It’s real whether you want it to be or not._

_I can’t fix this for you. I could barely fix myself after years of shoving it down, and I didn’t do that by becoming straight all of a sudden._

_You know that. So why are you messaging me?_

Chris feels hollow. He knows what this is. It’s resting there at the front of his mind, refusing to be spoken. Like Kate felt, he supposes. He needs the words. He needs confirmation.

**Kate Abbot:**

_I think I do need to talk about it. But I don’t know how to find a therapist, or what excuse I’d make. I’m not ready to tell Chris._

_I can’t tear this family apart._

_I don’t know what to do._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_I’m not gonna block you or anything._

_But I’m telling you I can’t help._

**Kate Abbot:**

_Maybe you can at least listen?_

_That’s all I want, really._

_Someone who’ll listen to me. Who understands._

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_Maybe I can._

**Kate Abbot:**

_Can you talk right now?_ _  
_

**Victoria Chase:** **  
**

_It’s one in the morning, so of course I can, I’m up._

_Insomnia’s a bitch._

**Kate Abbot:**

_Do you think I’m really a lesbian?_

And Chris breaks.

Why did she say yes?

How long has he been keeping her trapped in this sham of a marriage?

Why could she never _tell him?_

Why didn’t he _see?_

He needs to talk to her. To know what happened. To understand. As he starts to get up, his phone rings.

The hospital. Chris recognizes the number. He swallows and answers.

“Am I speaking to Christopher Abbot?”

“This is he.”

“This is Holly Bradley from Billings Hospital. You told us you intended to visit your wife today?”

“Yes, I was actually just getting ready to head over.”

“I’m afraid that’s not possible at the moment. She’s awake, but when she asked after you and we told her you were on your way...she doesn’t want to see you right now. At the moment we’re agreed that it’s best if she stay alone until she’s more stable.”

Chris’s muscles slacken, and he lets himself hang loose. “All right,” he says quietly. “Please tell her that I love her.”

“I’m...I’m not sure it’s what she wants to hear right now.”

“I know. Please keep her safe. Let me know as soon as anything happens.”

“We’ll keep you updated. Stay safe, sir.”

Chris hangs up the call. He sets the phone down lightly on the desk, wanders to the bedroom, and collapses beside Kate’s imprint. The last forty-eight hours catch up to him, and he lets himself black out.

 

* * *

 

Chris stands in front of Lynn’s door, steadying himself. He knocks twice, and Lynn calls “Coming!” from somewhere down the hall. The summer sun beats down on him as he waits. He doesn’t hear Connor’s voice.

Lynn opens the door, and when their eyes meet, Lynn’s immediately start to water. She rushes forward and wraps him in a full-on hug before he knows what’s happening. “It’s good to see you,” she tells him as they separate.

“You too, Lynn.” He looks over her shoulder to see Connor standing all the way back at the end of the hall, hands wringing. Such a nervous kid. Takes after his mother. He walks down and crouches next to him, bringing him in for a brief hug.

“Are we going home now?” he asks.

“In a little bit,” Chris says, pulling back and mussing his hair. “Me and Aunty Lynn have to talk about something first.”

“Is Mommy okay?”

“She’s still very sick, and in the hospital. But she’s going to be okay, she’s not getting sicker.”

Connor’s lower lip wobbles, and Chris pulls him right back in, holding him tight. “I know,” he whispers. “It’s scary for me too. But we’ll be okay.”

“Mhmm,” Connor mumbles into his shirt.

“Go on and play with Abby. I’ll come back in a few minutes, okay?” Chris offers. Connor nods, and Chris pats his shoulder before turning back to Lynn. Lynn’s daughter, a scrappy little girl with self-cut mousy hair, peeks around the doorway to her room and calls to Connor as Lynn and Chris make their way to the kitchen.

“Would you like some tea?” Lynn asks, taking a kettle off the stove. “I know I don’t have Kate’s selection, but…”

“I would, thank you.” Chris sits down at the kitchen table while Lynn busies herself preparing his mug. He looks out the window, at the bright and vibrant colors of the world outside. It feels odd, to sit in here and talk through such cold, paralyzing thoughts. Lynn looks so much like Kate, especially now, with dark circles under her eyes and her bright blonde hair pulled back.

“So...what did you want to talk about?” she asks as she sits down across from him, passing him his tea.

“I...I came across something on Kate’s computer. I wanted to ask you about it.”

“...I see,” Lynn says, looking him over cautiously.

“Did you ever meet any of Kate’s...friends? A woman named Victoria Chase, specifically?” he asks, staring into his tea.

“Victoria?” Lynn raises her eyebrows. “I remember meeting her once, a long time ago now...Kate said she was an old friend from Blackwell she’d run into out on a field trip.”

“I’ve never heard her name before this week,” Chris says. He takes a swallow of his tea.

“I was glad Kate was able to look back at Blackwell and find someone she liked. I didn’t think much of it. You mean…” Lynn’s brow furrows. “She never told you? I thought that would be bigger.”

“Did she ever mention Victoria past then?”

“Once or twice, in passing,” Lynn says with a shrug. “What’s this about, Chris?”

“Victoria was the last person she talked to. Before she overdosed.” The words feel thick and heavy coming out of Chris’s mouth. “I think she knows Kate better than I do. I found their message logs.”

Lynn sets down her cup, her hands shaking nervously. “Chris, you don’t think—”

“I didn’t read them all, not yet. But...Lynn, how often did she leave Connor with you? She didn’t tell me anything about leaving him with you before her-her attempt, did she do that other times? While I was out of town?”

Lynn runs a hand through her hair. “Y-yes, not too often, but he’d end up over here on short notice occasionally, I didn’t — Chris, what do you think she was doing with Victoria?”

“I shouldn’t be talking about this with you,” Chris says, his throat hurting. “I—I just wanted to know. To confirm. I guess Victoria’s the only person who can explain everything.” He reaches across the table and takes Lynn’s hand. “Thank you for keeping Connor through all of this. It means a lot to me. You’ve been good to our family.”

“That’s what I’m here for, Chris.” She puts another hand on top of his. “I hope she can find her way out of this again. I can’t…” She chokes. “I remember what it was like, when she came back from Blackwell. It was like someone had taken my sister’s soul and left this, this husk in her place. She only started getting better in college, and then…”

“Then I came along,” Chris mutters.

“It’s not your fault, Chris,” Lynn urges. “I know you. You’re a good man, kind to her. She knows it too. Whatever’s going on...it started inside her, a long time before you got anywhere near.”

“I’d like to believe that.”

“Don’t punish yourself, Chris.”

“It’s hard not to.”

“I know. Believe me, I do.”

Chris sighs, getting up from the table. “I’ll take Connor home. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

“I hope something does.”

 

* * *

 

**Kate Abbot:**

_This is Kate’s husband, Chris._

_You and I need to talk._

**Victoria Chase:**

_Well, I guess this was going to happen._

_Is Kate alive?_

**Kate Abbot:** **  
**

_She’s in the hospital. She doesn’t want to see me._

**Victoria Chase:**

_Thank God._

_We’re not doing this over Messenger. I should look you in the eye._

_Just tell me where and I’ll be there. I’m still in Montana. I canceled everything after I made that call._

**Kate Abbot:**

_Riverfront Park. An hour._

**Victoria Chase:**

_I’ll be in red._

 

* * *

 

She’s in red.

She sits under one of the shades, leaning over a picnic table with her sunglasses on and a cigarette between her fingers. Red sleeveless blouse, red nails, red lips. Red lipstick stains on the end of the cigarette. Chris sees that red on his wife’s skin and feels sick.

But he walks across the grass and sits opposite her anyway. She takes a long drag before she speaks, exhaling a cloud of smoke with a long, weary sigh. Blonde hair lies in a fringe over one eye.

“So, you read the logs?” she asks.

“Yes.”

“All of them?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. So you know.” Vic takes another drag. “What are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know everything,” Chris admits. “How did this — how did this start?”

“Six years ago, you and her had a fight about sex. You left to go to your brother’s for the night. She went to a hotel. Remember that?”

Chris nods.

“Eleven years ago, Kate tried to hang herself in her Blackwell dorm. Do you know why?”

“She was drugged at a party, and a video got out.”

“Right, yeah. Guess who took the video?”

Chris’s blood chills. “Oh. I saw some talk about that, but...but not a lot.”

“We already knew what happened, we didn’t have to rehash it. I was also the big ringleader of all the fucking bullying. I was a monster,” Victoria spits. “So, six years ago, I’m in a hotel bar in Montana, and here’s Kate Marsh, the girl I almost killed in high school, and I’m two wine glasses in and feeling horrible about myself, so I fall all over her trying to apologize. She accepts it, but she seems down, so I invite her up to my room because she says she doesn’t know who else she can talk to. We kill a whole bottle of wine from the minibar, talk about our feelings, and end up having sex.”

“Just...just like that?” Chris asks.

“It was...it was this really intense moment. Fuck me, Chris, I don’t know what to say. We were both married. Both of us were miserably trying to pretend we weren’t gay. She admitted she thought about women a lot, I encouraged it, we fucked. She freaked out in the morning and ran out, but not without verbally slashing my fucking throat.”

“So how did you end up—”

“Having an on-and-off affair for five years? After you knocked her up, she came to me. You remember her emergency trip a couple months after Connor was born, right? Where did you think she went?”

“Of course,” Chris mutters.

“I tried to be a good person. Tried to tell her no. Then I went through a shit breakup and wanted to feel wanted again, so I dropped in on her, and we...started it.” Victoria shrugs. “I...I gave up on her, after a while. I kept coming back to her, because I can’t help caring about her, but she just wouldn’t listen to me. I wanted her free. I wanted…” Victoria suddenly chokes and looks down, covering her eyes. “I didn’t _care_ if she was with me. I just wanted her to be okay. I still want that.”

“Victoria—” Chris says, starting to reach out, but Victoria recoils.

“ _No,_ fuck, I was trying to keep fucking steady so you wouldn’t do that. Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t you fucking dare, this is my fucking fault. I should’ve just fucking blocked her. All I did was encourage the — the dumbest fucking way to deal with her issue, because it felt good.” Victoria shakes as she takes another drag from her cigarette. “So, now you know. What are you gonna do?”

Chris swallows. “I’m going to let her go.”

Victoria relaxes, pushing a hand under her sunglasses. “Thank God.”

“It’s — I’m a simple man.These last few years, I’ve felt like such a failure, as a husband, as a, a man, as a follower of Christ.” Chris wishes he could see Victoria’s eyes. Wishes he could show her how hard he’s been thinking about this, since he found those logs. “I don’t pretend to know the will of God. I’ve never even really _thought_ about this, this issue. I never knew anyone who was gay.”

“Yes, you did,” Victoria points out with a hint of a smirk.

Chris gives her a hollow laugh. “I suppose I did. But...I saw how she was suffering, when I read those logs. I know her. If she could beat this, change herself, I know she would have. But she can’t. So we have to go forward from that, and do what we can to be happy.”

“She always said you were a good man,” Victoria says softly. “Maybe that’s why she married you.”

Chris nods. “I suppose. I only wish…I could have shown her a better way. Whether we were married or not. I wish she’d never said yes when I asked her out on that first date.”

“She was trying to be normal. She only knew how to be what her parents wanted her to be. Her whole life.” Victoria looks down. “I know how that feels. I broke from it easier.”

“So what do we do now?” Chris asks.

“I’m staying here until I see her again. Don’t care how much it costs. You need to tell her you’re going to let her go. Then she decides what she does.” Victoria sighs. “I’m not gonna lie and say that I don’t want her to come with me. But she has a son to take care of. I don’t even live here.” She throws her cigarette to the ground, crushing it beneath a heeled boot. “You know that last message she sent me? That was the first time she’d ever told me that she loved me. That’s how I knew she was going to try again.”

Chris runs a hand through his hair, heart tight in his chest.

“She doesn’t see any future in loving women,” Victoria continues. “I want her to see that there is one. That she can live without being that perfect Christian wife and mother that everyone’s been forcing her to be her whole life.”

“I want that too.”

“I know. You love her. So do I.” Victoria sniffs, taking off her sunglasses and rubbing at her eyes. “Fuck, that’s the first time _I_ said it. What a fucking nightmare.”

“It has been. But...it’s, it’s out in the open, now. We can figure it out.”

“Yeah. Hope so.” Victoria opens her eyes and really looks at him. Brown eyes, bloodshot and exhausted, nothing special at all about them. She’s just a woman. Chris isn’t sure what he expected, but she’s in the same position he’s in. Both their choices, combining to create a horrific storm inside the woman they love.

Chris pulls his phone from his pocket. “I’m going to call the hospital. I’ll tell them to tell her that I talked to you, that you’re still here. If they say I can visit...I’ll keep you informed.”

“It’s more than I deserve, Chris.”

“I’m too tired to be angry at you, Victoria. I just want this to be over.”  


* * *

 

When Chris enters the hospital room, a nurse is standing behind him, ready to make him leave if Kate doesn’t react well. Psychiatrist’s orders.

Kate’s standing up, looking out the window, the bedclothes that Lynn had brought her hanging loose off her body. Her hair falls in tangles to her shoulders, shining from the filtered sunlight coming in from the world outside.

“Kate?” Chris says cautiously, and she turns to face him. Her green eyes are murky, surrounded by dark lines, and he can’t read her expression. She takes a few cautious steps forward, then slowly embraces him, putting her head on his chest. And then, she starts to sob.

He holds her tight, letting her cry, “I’m sorry”s clawing out of her throat as she rubs her face into him.

When she can’t seem to cry anymore, she separates from him, just for a moment, and looks around his arm.

“Please, leave us alone. We need to, to talk, in private,” Kate asks softly, looking to the nurse.

“I’ll be right outside,” the nurse promises, and closes the door behind him. Kate steps back, wiping her eyes. She clears her throat, and when she speaks again, it comes out wet and hoarse.

“S-so you know everything. Right?” she asks, heading over to the bed and taking a seat on the edge. Chris pulls up a chair before looking her in the eye and telling her, “Yes.”

“You...you’re mad at me, aren’t you?” Kate swallows. “You, you should be, I betrayed you, I’ve been lying for — for so long—”

“Kate, please,” Chris says, reaching out and taking her hands in his. “I’m not angry. I’m, I’m disappointed, and hurt, and worried, but I’m not angry, and I want us to work this out.”

“You want to stay with me?” Kate asks. “Chris—”

“I need to let you go,” Chris says, and he feels a weight lift off them both.

Kate takes in a sharp breath. “Oh.”

“We don’t need to separate right away. Or tell your family why. But we can’t keep living this lie, Kate. I won’t let it kill you.”

Tears start to fall down Kate’s cheeks, and she starts to gulp in air. “But where will I— What will I do?”

“We’ll find a way forward. Both of us.”

“But, I can’t, I can’t be a divorced woman, a—a single mother, I—”

“Kate, I’m not your husband right now, okay?” Chris says urgently, gripping her hands tight. “I’m your friend. Christopher. We met during a group project in that class on charity. We agreed on a lot of things. I used to make you laugh. And a...a long time ago, you could tell me anything.”

Kate sniffs, wiping her tears away. “I don’t know what else to be,” she whispers. “I tried to die because I didn’t see any other way to live. This was supposed to be it. Marrying you, I mean. A kind man, a family, I’m not supposed to want more than that. It’s supposed to be what’s best for everyone, and i-if I can’t be happy there, I can’t be happy anywhere.”

“That’s not true,” Chris says. “There’s a lot of ways to be happy. Do you…” It hurts to _think_ this, but it’s the right thing to say. “Do you think you could be happy with Victoria?”

Kate looks at him, her eyes wide and vulnerable, and then she looks down at her lap. “...Sometimes, I thought I could,” she admits. “When we’d have more time together. Two or three days. I’d get up and make us breakfast, kiss her to wake her up, and it felt...I wanted it to stay so bad I could scream.” She gulps, mussing her hair. “But I can’t. If...If I go to her, especially so soon...what will everyone think? My family will disown me, and everyone will look at you like…”

“An idiot. A mark.” Chris has a lump in his throat. “I know.”

“I can’t do that to you, I — I’m so sorry I made you feel like—”

“Kate, dwelling on it isn’t going to help. It’s already happened. What matters is how we go forward. That’s what I want, not forgiveness, or, or amends, just a way out of this hospital room for you that I know won’t send you back in.” Chris heaves a sigh. “Let people talk. Let them decide to cut you out, if they want to. You’ll still be alive if you can find some way to be okay. That’s what matters to me.”

Kate lets out a sob, covering her face and breathing hard for a while before she speaks again.

“Thank you,” she whispers.

“So. I want us to both find counselors. Victoria’s really, really insistent on it, and she convinced me we need to see people outside the church for this. You can sleep in the spare bedroom while we find you a place to stay. As for Victoria...she does have to go home eventually, but she’s here. In the waiting room. If you want.”

“I do,” Kate admits softly. “And — and I want to try, too. To find some way to live. I don’t want to die, Chris, I just want to not hurt like this anymore.”

Chris leans forward, taking her head in his hands and kissing her on the forehead. “That’s all I want for us both.”

“W-what about Connor, and—”

“Kate, we’ll have time to work this out. I promise.”

Kate sniffs. “Okay. Okay.”

“I’ll send Victoria in. Is that all right?”

“Please.”

Chris stands, lingering at the door and looking back at Kate one last time. She sinks into the bed, closing her eyes, and he can only hope that means she’s found some calm.

 

* * *

 

Chris pulls into a parking spot in front of an apartment building, finding Connor sitting on the porch until he looks up and immediately bolts to his feet. Chris unlocks the car, and Connor comes rushing in, hopping into the passenger seat before Chris reminds him he’s still not allowed to do that, not for a little bit longer. As he gets out and straps Connor properly into his booster seat, he asks, “So, did you have fun with Mommy this weekend?”

“Yeah, she took us out to the aquarium,” Connor replies, shifting uncomfortably. “We met her girlfriend there.”

“Oh?” Chris knew this would happen, of course. He and Kate had made sure to talk through their plans to introduce Connor a long time ago. But he thought it best to make it look like Kate was the one taking the lead here, to let Connor think of them as separate people. “And what did you think?”

“She’s weird,” Connor says. “She didn’t talk much.”

Chris heads around to the driver’s seat, getting the car in gear before asking, “She’s nice, though, right?”

“Yeah, I guess. When Mommy was doing dishes, she read Mommy’s book to me.” Connor worries his lip in the rearview mirror as Chris starts towards the street. “It’s weird that Mommy has a girlfriend.”

“Who told you that?” Chris asks.

“Iunno…”

“Connor.”

“Abby said, she said that her mom and Grandma Debbie were fighting about it, and Aunt Lynn was yelling on the phone for a long time.”

“Well, Grandma Debbie’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong with Mommy having a girlfriend.”

“But shouldn’t she be with you?”

“Sometimes things don’t work out that way. I’m glad she has Victoria.”

“Okay.” Connor hums to himself, then giggles. “She got really mad when Mommy called her Tori. Her ears turned red.”

Chris laughs. “I’m not sure she was mad, Connor, I think she was just embarrassed. She’s just trying to make a good impression on you.”

“Mommy thought it was funny, too.” Connor pauses, then looks out the window. “Do you think her and Mommy will be together for a long time?”

“I don’t know, Connor. But I hope they’re happy, whatever they do.”

 

* * *

 

Kate giggles as Victoria leans over her, kissing her neck. She stops her scrubbing for a moment, leaning into Victoria’s body, closing her eyes. “Now I can finally get in something more comfortable,” Victoria purrs in Kate’s ear.

“Victoria…” Kate sighs, though her chest flutters.

“Kid’s great, but I’ve been waiting all weekend to get you alone,” Victoria continues, kissing the top of her head. “Be back in a sec.”

“You _are_ drying these.”

“I am, I am! Just tired of wearing a bra.”

Kate absorbs herself in the dishes until she puts the last one in the rack, which is just when Victoria re-enters the kitchen in a pink, translucent babydoll and matching panties. Victoria catches her staring and winks, smiling as she heads to the rack and grabs a towel.

 _Hands to yourself, Kate,_ Kate scolds herself, remembering there was still something she wanted to give Victoria. She still brushes her hand across the small of Victoria’s back as she passes by, delighting in the little shiver she causes. She pads through the apartment, finding her way to her bedroom and then her closet, lifting a small green box out of her dresser. The tag attached to it reads _For Victoria, from Lynn._ She still hasn’t opened it.

She sets it down on top of the dresser and changes into a nightgown herself, not nearly as revealing as Victoria’s but still nice and silky and soft. She takes the gift box and heads out to the kitchen, putting it down on the table as Victoria stows the last dish away.

“Lynn gave me a present for you,” Kate says, pointing out the box when Victoria turns to her.

“She did?” Victoria looks uncertain. “You’re sure she’s okay with me? We haven’t even met yet.”

“We talk about you, though. We’ve...had to. She found out it was your birthday, so…” Kate shrugs. “If there’s a hand grenade in there, you can blame me.”

Victoria opens the box and lifts out a necklace, a large emerald circle set in gold, and her eyes widen. She leans down and reads a note inside the box aloud, “For Victoria, sorry our family is a bunch of buttheads, you make Kate happy, don’t hurt her or I’ll kill you. Love, Lynn.”

Kate laughs. “She’s gotten so fiery again.”

“I can see why she’s your favorite.” Victoria unhooks the necklace and starts to loop it around her neck, letting Kate come up behind her and finish the job. “How do I look?” Victoria asks, turning around to face Kate. In answer, Kate kisses her. “Must be good,” Victoria says with a smirk, sauntering out of the kitchen and heading for the bedroom.

They brush their teeth together before heading to bed. As Kate turns around, Victoria gently takes her shoulder.

“Meds,” she says, jerking her head back towards the medicine cabinet on the wall.

Kate sighs. “Right, sorry.”

“It’s all right, what I’m here for.” Victoria kisses her forehead. “I’ll wait for you.”

Kate takes note of how many pills she has left before she swallows one, then heads back out into the bedroom. Victoria’s lounging in the center of the bed, eyes half-lidded and looking directly at Kate. Kate’s gaze sweeps down her body, and she shivers.

Every day, Kate wonders if she’s doing the right thing. If this will really work for her, if she and Chris and Connor and Victoria can all make it work if they’re kind and patient and forthright with each other. If it’s even going to be worth it, at the end of it all. If God truly wants this for her, if she’s already betrayed Him long ago, and all the rationalizations and arguments for her faith that she makes in her head are just excuses.

But right now, as she flips off the light and crawls over Victoria, she thinks there’s nowhere she’d rather be.


End file.
